Star Trek: Big Brother - Officers under pressure.
by Chriss Corkscrew
Summary: Several Starfleet officers have been taken out of history and placed into the Q's favourite television programme. Can so many ego's survive in such a small space?


Title: Star Trek: Big Brother (a parody)  
Author: Chriss Corkscrew  
Copyright: 2001  
Disclaimer: I don't own any Star Trek Characters (not even a little one!) or the Big Brother format. I'm just borrowing them and I promise to put them back later.  
p.s - It's my first fanfic. Can you tell?  
  
  
It's 9.04am in the Big Brother household . . . Well, the Q lost all their powers after the civil war and now, forced to live voyeuristically, they have kidnapped several Starfleet officers throughout the timeline to entertain and titillate them, at least until they persuade Picard to join Eastenders as the third Mitchell brother.  
  
The first contestant through the doors is Katherine Janeway. "Being a captain is important to me", she introduces herself, "Obviously I'm not the first female captain in Starfleet", she pauses, hazily trying to recollect the name of another female captain. Unsuccessful she carries on. "I like coffee, tattoo's on men and patronising other members of my crew who haven't gained my level of evolution . . . that Borg woman for instance. Apparently perfection but have you ever seen her having a bad hair day? Obviously no human which, to my completely fairly balanced value system, is perfection (though we can't say that in front of the Klingon's of course)".  
  
Second to arrive is James T. Kirk. "The T. stands for terrific", he arches an eyebrow, "Just ask the Borg. I've assimilated more species than them . . . the pretty one's at least . . . and the robots who can't understand love". Asked whether he will score in the Big Brother household he pats his portly stomach, "I expect so. I am, after all, James Kirk, devastatingly handsome, devastatingly irresistible to women and devastating, of course, to the prime directive. But that wasn't my fault, I'm trying to demonstrate human weakness to my cold Vulcan friend, dammit!".  
  
Seven of nine arrives. Whilst several million Q males suddenly cross their legs she examines her surroundings. "This is adequate. I have felt for sometime I am ready to explore my feminine urges". The viewing figures shoot up 300% and James T. Kirk gives her the eyebrow. She then disappoints countless millions, "I shall enjoy the experience of living in a mixed household, cooking and cleaning".  
"Not understanding the meaning of love?", Jim suggests hopefully.  
"No. And now I shall have to wash, I feel dirty". Several million Q rush to their computers and load up the shower-cam (quite pointless though. Those shiny silver cat suits really don't come off).  
  
Will Riker appears suddenly. "As a contestant on Big Brother I shall of course utilise my beard to full advantage", he gives it a stroke. "Very popular with the ladies, well, that and my trombone".  
"Hey", Jim, already the belligerent of the group interrupts, "The eyebrow is 98% more effective with women than any beard. The Klingon's had beards for god sakes and don't you tell me they're drawn to tribbles 'cause they hate them, it's 'cause they vibrate I tell you. Perverts".  
Riker punches him in the face. "I changed Angel One's whole civilisation with my sex appeal. You just get off with extra's in dubious make-up". The ensuing punch-up is of the pathetic sort you get with men of a certain age and soon degenerates into slapping.  
  
Uhura arrives. "I'm black and nobody mentions the fact. Isn't that wonderful", she shakes her head, "Sorry, I think they programmed me to say that". She looks around and, seeing James Kirk she wanders over. "I have a sudden urge to kiss you as it is a perfectly natural and normal thing for people to do, especially as colour is not an issue and never should be". Emitting a moan she begins to hit her head against the nearest wall. "And how come I have several degree's in engineering, astro-physics, higher mathematics and chemistry yet am only allowed to work the screen button and wear a funny little set of headphones. I need a crossover".  
"No!", Jim cries out, "You've only been in six movies, you're not strong enough for a crossover".  
"I can take it", she spits back, "I starred opposite you for two series didn't I?".  
  
Deanna Troi arrives, preventing Uhura from reprogramming the fridge to perform a neutering operation on Jime. Will looks disappointed as he realises his chance for getting his end away has now been scuppered, unless he can stand to sit through another interminable lecture on how their relationship was over years ago and it's really healthy to see other people.  
"Which takes all the fun out of it", he mutters forlornly.  
"I feel a lot of tension in this room", Deanna looks sharply at Will, and "I think we should all sit down over some chocolate and talk about our problems".  
"Er, there is no chocolate", James Kirk tells her, unaware of the dire consequences of his innocuous comment.  
"No chocolate?", Deanna ransacks the house growing more and more desperate. There is a record power surge in the Q continuum as the Q take this brief lapse in conversation as a cue to dash off to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.  
"It's okay, Deanna", Will assures her when she has quietened down and is lying on the floor chewing a table leg, "We can just sit down and talk about it. Give you a counselling lesson".  
"It's no good Will", she whimpers back, "All a counselling session is, is an opportunity for me to hear everybody's naughty secrets and then tell them the answer to their problems lies within them and I can tell you right now, it doesn't lie within me. Chocolate is my solution and there is none within me. I should know", her voice rose to a shriek, "I HAVEN'T HAD ANY IN WEEKS!".  
"Is that anything I can help you with", Jim looms over her, eyebrow raised.  
Will clenched his fists muttering, "I am an evolved species, I am an evolved species, I am an evolv . . .".  
"I could always sing a song", Kirk suggested.  
"That does it", Riker knocked him out cold, "I'm not listening to you sing for anything . . . even if the soporific qualities might bring relief to poor Deanna".  
  
Harry Kim turns up. No one notices. He cultivates a brief attraction to Deanna then, knowing the bastard universe he lives in, gives up on the prospect of ever losing his virginity and starts rocking and humming to himself.  
  
Reginald Barclay turns up in nothing but a towel. "I was taking a shower", he moans.   
"That is inappropriate", Seven comes up to him and snatches off his towel, "We are allowed no personal affects within Big Broth . . .", she trails off when she realises everybody is looking at his nether regions. "Are you swollen?", she demands.  
"No", he replies meekly (the Q women sit up and take notice. The men turn over to the sports channel in disgust).  
"Then I shall let you assimilate me. Twice", she leads him off to the bedroom.  
"No!", cries Deanna, "He's mine. I council him. I've been keeping him as my safety for over ten years, in case beardy didn't work out".  
"To hell with that", Katherine intercedes. "I've been a virtual virgin since the Delta quadrant. Apart from Chakotay . . . and that evil guy . . . a hologram or two . . . maybe a few aliens in my spare time. And Reg reckons Voyager is his new family. Yeh god's", she wanders towards the bedroom, "Reggie, come to mummy".  
Riker sat down with a thump, an expression of realisation on his face. "I think I'm gay".  
  
  
Overe cultiHH the following weeks many things happened . . .  
  
Uhura transcended to a higher state of being, yet still had to work for the telephone company as there was no prejudice whatsoever towards her.  
  
Jim went into a sulk when Katherine Janeway told him he made her flesh crawl. He didn't get any offers and, as official chicken monitor, tried to change their society to pass the time.  
  
Katherine Janeway observed the horizontal relationship of Seven and Reg with great interest. She finally realised that she had much to learn from Seven, none of which was covered in the Starfleet curriculum. She lobbied for this to be changed.  
  
Seven of nine enjoyed exploring her feminine side . . . and Reg Barclay's outside. Finding out how good engineers are with their hands she decided to train as an official Starfleet officer and has been appointed as the professor for Janeway's new Starfleet course after extensive testing by the male admiralty.  
  
Will Riker realised that women weren't really his cup of tea. He is now pestering Geordi to go out with him (apparently engineers are good with their hands).  
  
Deanna didn't make it. Chocolate addiction is a sad thing. Shame really.  
  
Reg enjoyed the experience immensely. He's considering becoming an underwear model . . . or President.  
  
Reg's towel turned out to be Odo in disguise. After observing the group at close quarters he made a fortune with his best-selling novel, 'I was this close to you-know-who's you-know-what'. He is currently undercover as a handbag.  
  
The book was marketed by Quark who had been disqualified from the Big Brother selection process for being in possession of a brain and a sense of dignity without a permit. He later went on to become a spokesperson for the President's office.  
  
Harry Kim was the last member of the Big Brother experiment to stay in. Unfortunately no one noticed he was there and the Q closed down the experiment with him inside. He lived off Seven's edible underwear until the chickens developed a ship with warp-drive capability. It seems egg-powered ships are an unstable new technology. It exploded on take-off. He was scrambled.  
  
The Q population thought it looked like such fun they decided that humanity was precisely the level to which they wished to sink and created their own community just outside of Birmingham.  
  
Oh and someone ate the last biscuit . . . you know who you are.  
  
  
  
The End.  



End file.
